The why's

I’ve been meaning to write, meaning to write for a long time now. I used to blog till some time ago.. I think it has been more than two years now.. when I was working, fresh out of college I had started on my new job- something I realised much later that I was not meant to do. It was a realization that came in within the first week itself – but I carried on nonetheless – like I have done all my life – I go on with the flow, primarily because I have no clue what would I rather be doing. But that is because I never attached myself to anything, be it a task or a person, more than what was required to retain sanity while I was with someone, or doing something. It was a good thing to do I guess – now that I look back in retrospect. I don’t know that when I sit down to write – hopefully what will be the first of many ramblings that will grace this space - I go back to two years ago. One of the reasons why I’ve decided to write is to help sort out things in my mind. I’ve been tossing things around in my mind for long now, replaying events, seeking explanations, imagining things, tracing clues, and its high time that I force some order into my life - that is why – half way across the world as I wait to fly back home, I pulled out my laptop and started typing – the first step is the most difficult one – thereupon everything flows. So, I’m sitting at the New Ark airport next to gate 55, waiting for my boarding call. I’ve spent the last 7 hours in the airport. Looking at people come and go, a welcome hug here and a tearful parting there. Times like these are important – when you have an out of body experience like these – when you a silent observer - and you get a chance to observe the intricate web of humanity around you that makes you feel so small and insignificant and its an uplifting experience – especially when you realise that all this time you had yourself singled as being the centre of the universe towards which all the injustices were directed – Today – I was finally able to get over the “why me” drone – albeit briefly. There is something that bothers me about me, I don’t know what it is exactly but it is a curious mix of masochism, self-pity, denial, introversion. I run away from happy moments now, I detest social engagements, I hate being with people to the point of being rude to them, I sit and wallow. And I almost enjoy it. There is a lot of anger that I direct at people around me for no fault of theirs. I want people to hate me, fear me, detest me. That has become the mainstay of my life – I’ve realised that I am getting very good at this. Me – a boring, introverted, irate me . I now like making people uncomfortable. I was not like this. OK, maybe boring and introverted – but I was the adjusting kind, I used to be good with people. I used to respect people. Things change and look how they do. One day you are one person – and the next day you are a monster. One day you think you have everything and the next day you find yourself in the middle of nowhere. One day you are walking by side of the river on a lovely promenade lined with trees blossoming with flowers so that their branches droop so low with their florid weight that leaves brush your hair you amble along. And then, the next day you are on a rugged, moor at the end of the world on a moonless night with the howling winds taking jibes at your battered self. That is how life changes. And that is how it changes you.

They just made the boarding call, I have to move now. I hope they have some good movies on the plane otherwise it is going to be a long flight. Beer would help for sure. And Red wine. If nothing else – there will always be my laptop.

It is strange, that this be the day exactly two years ago when I asked her out and she had said yes.